The Finale

Well, here we are, the final schlemiel, I found these tasks of daily blogs to be quite challenging. Trying to find something of substance to write about every day. Because one thing I did find out about myself is I can’t just right nothing. Literally, I can’t just write crap over and over and over and you get the point. I get bored, frustrated, and then I tend to rant. Sit up, sit down, pace circles, just write about something! And then I get some of my best stuff, squeezed blood from this turnip of a head, nature’s nectar. Sometimes my best stuff is just nothing, but I have an overwhelming drive to make it something. So this project was maddening. And sometimes that was a good thing. I liked having a forum to vent, without having to depend on structure, or grading, or opinions. Somewhere I could just express myself. I discovered that writing how I would speak or convey a message is okay, that there must be a form but that is bendable, not breakable. The challenge was in opening my mind and letting it wander, and then recording the progress for someone else can follow and see where I’ve been. I liked the challenge after a while, as maddening as it was. I didn’t like the control of a blog every day. I want to be able to write when something comes to me. But therein lies the problem, right? If I only write when I want, then my best writing may never come out. I am my own worst enemy as a writer. And that’s what changed in me as a writer. The challenge is my best edge and my worst tool. One in which I can only hurt myself to be my best. Ha-ha…

Communication

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            Second to the last blog, I never run out of things to say, but I tend to catch writers block when I censor myself. As late as it is, or early, my mind is a big garble of tangled thoughts wanting to shut down anyways. Not my best work, but I’m still filling lines on the page. I’m starting to understand the reason for form to an essay. If every paper were like talking to a bi-polar, depressive, obsessive, sufferer of ADHD with Tourette’s then we would never have any intelligent discussion. Some type of rhyme or reason needs to be behind our conversation. Some type of pattern or rationale needs introduced for open communication. We must have the tit for tat, the witty banter, the way to keep our listener entertained enough to continue, and they us. That’s what I love about communication, it takes at least two entities involved, one to send a message, one to receive. In communication, this typically goes back and forth, or round robin, or bouncing from one participant to another, but there must be two at least. How to get your message received best, like you want it accepted, is the trick. Should you use forcefulness, or sound threatening? Should you try and establish a report, or gain your listeners trust. Should you be a straight shooter, and get right to the point, or will a little manipulation and trickery, with a little sugar to sweeten the words. Knowing these factors that people use to communicate makes it hard to have a civil conversation without wondering if you’re wading in the waste, or drowning in it. Communication really vexes me in the human condition.

Happy Anniversary

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            Happy Anniversary! 5 years and 10 months ago my wife and I officially got together. She is the reason I live today. If it weren’t for her to fight for me and make me want to fight with her for me, I would have never made it out of Nevada. I would have gone home and prepared to die like the doctors told me. I’ve known my wife since the spring of 1991, she was 14 years old, almost 15. I was 19, she was my friends little sister. She was very hard shelled, very aloof, but I had a need to get to know her, get past the walls she would try and put up, and I didn’t have the ability to read her. That drove me mad, ha-ha…and she knew it, and of course I was the same. We’d go back and forth, day after day, week after week, smart one liners to each other, pretending to not pay attention to each other. It was fun. But her brother was worried, and he was my friend, a very good friend, and he came and talked to me. He said that if I was just playing around and having a good time with his sister, then to stop, “please stop” is what he asked. And then he said if I had true intentions that I had his blessing, and he would back us all the way, if needed. It was the first time I understood. I was not the one yet. I could not treat her the way she deserved to be treated. I was not faithful, not honest, not worthy of her devotion. I was not worthy. But one day 5 years and ten months ago I told her I was ready, and I would be loving, and faithful and honest…Honest. Honest? I still feel unworthy…but I’m the lucky one with her devotion. Happy Anniversary.

Selfishness- the right thing

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            Today I want to just freewrite. I am just worn thin so no idea where this is going to go. I’ve been binge watching the first season of “Gotham”. It’s pretty good so far, it has captured my need to binge watch TV shows occasionally. I like how it follows Detective Jim Gordon, so far, as like the central character. He is the one constant in the “Batman” universe, other than the Caped Crusader. They test his morals in almost every episode. He tries his best to follow his beliefs, but it just keeps getting harder to monitor his actions when his loved ones and friends, even workmates keep either getting into the wrong hands or helping test his resolve. I relate to Detective Gordon, I feel like I am compelled to do the right thing, to set the right example, to make it possible to look myself in the mirror every day with pride, not shame. But it always seems like the rug gets pulled out from under me. Like I’m a hamster in a wheel, I never keep going and going, but I seem to get anywhere. I feel drug down by this but I love taking glory and happiness in from the good times. The look of gratitude from some good deed I’ve done. The pride I feel when someone comments on my child’s behavior. The look from my wife when she is reminded again and again that she finally chose the right one. The fact is I’m selfish. I’m a better person because it makes me feel good and I want my children to feel the feelings I do one day. The feeling I feel when I know I’ve done the right thing.